Is a tiger mum rightly venerated? Book Review of A Tiger Mum's Manual
Past posts can be found on my substack - Sillysmartatom ( Email change)
There has been immigration over the decades, of Chinese nationals into the place I was born and they have been very successful so I am interested in what they think. Thus picked up a book by a China mum who migrated here and published a journal and thoughts on how she had raised a daughter with stellar scores for her graduating examinations.
From TIME magazine cover retrieved online. All image credits to TIME magazine.
Below are some of my thoughts after reading the book.
First, have to say I marvel at the way China parents accompany their children in each aspect of their growth. Local families where I live don't quite accompany their children the same way although we are Asian too in Singapore!
In a way, as I have seen many happy China families with children, I am kind of in awe of them. However, my sample size may be skewed because in China, there are many different types of families too while predominantly comfortable-income China families move to Singapore. Recently, read somewhere that Singapore's wealth is over-reported because it excludes 30 percent of the population who is extremely low-waged migrant labour in the domestic work or construction or other industries.
China parents have quite a successful formulaic way to raise a child with achievements. Am quite in awe of them. >< Reflecting on it, suddenly realised what's missing. It's mainly focused on individual success and other 'outstanding' children's achievements and how to attain them but emphasis on things like the intangible value of being and a non-formulaic purpose of each individual child's life is missing. That was what made me uncomfortable despite my overwhelming awe of them. Of course, not every "Chinese parent" is like that. Societies and humans are diverse. They are many entrepreneurs and even stand-up comedians in China. Not all go to their Ivy League schools.
In the book, the mum said she would like her daughter to delay her stunt biking dreams till she is an adult as that would be the right time to do it; when her daughter expressed strong interest in stunt biking and repairing of bicycles.
This made me think- shouldn't you do it while you still have the chance.
My father passed away from cancer. He seldom took holidays and always thought that he would travel the world when he retires. Honestly, I think he is scared. In the end, he died early from cancer and my mum who has never been anywhere much, went travelling on her own after his death.
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Some of the sharing in the book that stood out to me includes this sentence- A disciplined mother raises a disciplined child. The mother sets a daily timetable for her child for academics and exercise during the school holidays. To be honest, discipline would benefit any child greatly! but do feel uncomfortable with the fact that the daily schedule is set out for a 12-year old child by her parent, instead of her own accord with guidance from her parent. This is the formula for a compliant adult. To be honest, I admire their achievements but do think in a certain time in history in Germany, many people were complaint leading to brainless and callous decisions. In recent years, many were complaint too in other ways.
In the book, the mum shared her concern when her child didn't dare tell her when she has fallen down and hurt her head. Hmm is that a close mother-daughter bond?!
Having travelled to places that are not Asian (if there is such a concept as race), feel that a culture of cut-throat competitiveness arises out of life circumstances and sadly I have noticed this culture on the rise in some Western cultures. Perhaps Scandinavia is immune to this as their welfare and humane work culture seem to be strong but haven't been there in a long time so can't say for sure. ~
However, why does it matter how u raised the kid or the nature of your culture, what matters is that you raise a loving family and that I see in many Chinese families who migrate here. They are tight-knit and happy, sometimes more so than local families who are facing the onslaught of wage competition and have to work insanely hard. Looking at these, I realise what's truly important. A happy, tight-knit people whom you can depend on. This I think is what I admire.
One of my favourite sayings from the book was this Chinese phrase by a China parent who reviewed the book. He was not a tiger dad and stated the value of the journey and how failure at a young age can have positive impacts on the child. He quoted that he did not monitor his children's studies that much and their scores were average. His review was included in the book though part of it was cut off on the back cover.
The phrase is
Literal translation: Every thing has its owner and life is long.
Figurative translation: Everyone has a path of their own and life's a journey.
Overall, I learnt a lot from this book as it includes lots of ancient Chinese sayings and proverbs instead of the modern Chinese formula for success beamed in the Chinese media; that challenge my thinking and cultural baggage, having grown up in Singapore. So in awe of the author mum's outstanding, cheerful daughter.
Didn’t think this post is well-penned but just posting it! Have many future post ideas I am thinking of posting. Didn't want to spend too much time obsessively editing the post as I want to relax more amidst life and work.
Support! ~ Let me know your comments. Thank you! XO.
This was so interesting to read; I know some parents here in the US who love their children dearly but really barely control them. It is a delicate balance. And I agree with your assessment that you must do the things you desire while you still have time.